How to Communicate with an Overly Emotional Partner with BPD: Tools and Techniques to Save Your Relationship
- Happy Mood Therapy
- Sep 10, 2024
- 5 min read
How to Communicate with an Overly Emotional Partner with BPD: Tools and Techniques to Save Your Relationship
Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a mental health condition characterized by intense emotional experiences, impulsivity, and difficulties in relationships. Being in a relationship with someone who has BPD can be both rewarding and challenging, especially when communication is a core issue. If your partner often becomes overly emotional, it may feel like you’re walking on eggshells, and this can lead to misunderstandings and conflict. However, with the right tools and communication techniques, you can improve your relationship and create a more stable, loving environment.
This blog will explore strategies to help you deal with an overly emotional partner with BPD, focusing on effective communication to strengthen your relationship.
Understanding BPD and Emotional Sensitivity
Partners with BPD often experience emotions more intensely than others, and their mood can shift rapidly. This can make communication feel overwhelming and unpredictable. Some common challenges include:
Fear of Abandonment: Individuals with BPD may fear being abandoned, leading to clingy or reactive behavior.
Black-and-White Thinking: Your partner may swing between extreme feelings—loving you intensely one moment and being very upset the next.
Emotional Dysregulation: They might have difficulty regulating their emotions, leading to intense outbursts or overwhelming sadness.
Communication Struggles: Due to heightened emotional states, it can be hard for your partner to communicate calmly or rationally.
Understanding these emotional experiences is key to developing empathy and patience in your relationship. This insight will guide the strategies and techniques for effective communication.
Effective Communication Tools and Techniques
Practice Active Listening
What It Is: Active listening involves fully concentrating, understanding, and responding thoughtfully to what your partner is saying.
Why It Works: Many people with BPD feel misunderstood or invalidated. By actively listening, you show that you value your partner’s emotions and thoughts. This can help them feel secure and reduce emotional volatility.
How to Do It:
Maintain eye contact and give verbal cues to show you’re listening (“I understand” or “That must have been hard for you”).
Reflect back what they’ve said in your own words to clarify (“So what I’m hearing is that you felt hurt when I didn’t call you back right away?”).
Avoid interrupting or rushing to solutions. Let them express their feelings without judgment.
Validate Their Feelings
What It Is: Validation is the act of acknowledging and accepting your partner’s emotions, even if you don’t fully agree with their perspective.
Why It Works: People with BPD often feel invalidated, which can fuel their emotional responses. Validation helps calm their emotions and creates a sense of being understood.
How to Do It:
Acknowledge their feelings (“I see that you’re really upset right now, and that’s okay”).
Avoid saying things like “You’re overreacting” or “That’s not a big deal,” as these phrases may escalate their emotions.
Validate without agreeing if necessary (“I understand that you’re angry. I didn’t mean to hurt you, but I see that what I said upset you”).
Set Healthy Boundaries
What It Is: Boundaries are limits you establish to protect your emotional well-being while respecting your partner’s needs.
Why It Works: Partners with BPD may have difficulty recognizing when they are overwhelming or overstepping your limits, leading to unhealthy dynamics. Clear boundaries protect both partners and maintain balance in the relationship.
How to Do It:
Be clear and consistent about your boundaries (“I’m happy to talk about this, but if you start yelling, I’ll have to step away until we both calm down”).
Stick to your boundaries even if your partner reacts emotionally, as this reinforces stability and predictability in the relationship.
Frame boundaries positively rather than as rejection (“I need a little space right now so I can give you my full attention when we talk”).
Stay Calm During Emotional Outbursts
What It Is: Remaining calm when your partner is having an emotional outburst is essential to de-escalating the situation.
Why It Works: When you stay calm, it signals safety and stability to your partner, helping to soothe their heightened emotions. Matching their intensity, on the other hand, can fuel the emotional storm.
How to Do It:
Take deep breaths and center yourself. Remind yourself that their emotions are temporary and not a personal attack.
Use a calm, gentle tone when responding, even if they are yelling or crying.
If the situation becomes too overwhelming, calmly suggest a pause (“Let’s take a break for a few minutes and talk when we’ve both had time to cool down”).
Use “I” Statements
What It Is: “I” statements are a way of expressing your feelings without sounding accusatory or confrontational.
Why It Works: Individuals with BPD are often sensitive to criticism and blame. “I” statements reduce defensiveness and foster open dialogue.
How to Do It:
Instead of saying, “You always make me feel guilty,” try, “I feel hurt when it seems like I’m being blamed for everything.”
Focus on your emotions and needs rather than attacking or blaming them for their actions.
Learn Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) Skills Together
What It Is: DBT is a type of therapy specifically designed to help people with BPD manage their emotions and improve interpersonal relationships.
Why It Works: DBT teaches skills like emotional regulation, distress tolerance, mindfulness, and effective communication. Learning these skills as a couple can improve your ability to navigate emotional episodes together.
How to Do It:
Consider attending couples counseling with a DBT-trained therapist.
Use resources such as books or online DBT worksheets to practice these techniques at home.
Encourage your partner to use skills like “STOP” (Stop, Take a step back, Observe, Proceed mindfully) when they feel overwhelmed.
Practice Patience and Empathy
What It Is: Empathy is putting yourself in your partner’s shoes, understanding their emotional struggles, and exercising patience as they navigate their emotions.
Why It Works: A partner with BPD may not always be able to control their emotional responses. By practicing patience, you build trust and show your commitment to the relationship.
How to Do It:
Acknowledge that emotional regulation is difficult for your partner and that they are not acting out of malice.
When conflicts arise, remind yourself that it’s the disorder speaking, not your partner’s true intentions.
Offer reassurance when needed, particularly around fears of abandonment, without being dismissive or patronizing.
Create a Safe Space for Open Dialogue
What It Is: A safe space is a non-judgmental environment where both partners can share their thoughts and emotions freely.
Why It Works: If your partner feels they can express themselves without being criticized, they are more likely to communicate openly. This can prevent bottling up emotions and reduce the intensity of emotional outbursts.
How to Do It:
Schedule regular check-ins where you both discuss how you’re feeling and how the relationship is going.
During these conversations, avoid jumping to conclusions or being defensive. Instead, listen and respond thoughtfully.
Use phrases like “I want to understand you better” to invite openness and trust.
When to Seek Professional Help
While these tools and techniques can help improve communication with your partner, sometimes professional help is necessary to navigate more intense emotional challenges. Consider seeking therapy, individually or as a couple, to work through deeper issues that arise from BPD and its effects on your relationship. Couples counseling with a therapist experienced in BPD or DBT can be particularly beneficial in building stronger communication skills and a more resilient relationship.
Final Thoughts: Building a Stronger Relationship
Communicating with a partner who has BPD can be challenging, but it’s not impossible. By practicing active listening, validating emotions, setting boundaries, and using effective communication techniques like “I” statements and DBT skills, you can reduce emotional volatility and create a healthier relationship dynamic.
Above all, remember that patience, empathy, and consistent effort are key. Both partners must commit to understanding each other’s needs, and with time, your relationship can thrive, despite the challenges posed by BPD. Effective communication is the foundation for saving and strengthening your relationship, and by investing in this area, you can build a more stable, loving connection.
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