How to Spot Red Flags on the First Date with Someone Who Has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)
First dates are often filled with excitement and nervousness. When you’re meeting someone new, it’s important to observe how they interact, express themselves, and communicate. For those dating someone with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), the key is not to jump to conclusions or assume the worst but to be mindful of behaviors that may indicate potential challenges.
Understanding BPD
Borderline Personality Disorder is a mental health condition characterized by intense emotions, fear of abandonment, impulsive actions, and unstable relationships. While it’s essential to approach every individual with compassion and not stigmatize mental health disorders, there are specific behaviors common to BPD that might serve as red flags, especially if they are consistent early on.
Here are some signs to keep an eye out for on the first date:
1. Excessive Intensity Early On
On the first date, some people with BPD may display strong feelings or act overly intense, moving the relationship forward too quickly. For example, they might express extreme admiration for you or speak about how they have never felt this way about anyone before. While this might seem flattering, sudden intensity can be a red flag for potential emotional instability.
What to Look For:
• Talking about serious relationship commitments (e.g., future plans, deep emotional connections) too soon.
• Professions of love or deep affection on a first date.
• Overly frequent calls, texts, or messages right after the date ends.
2. Fear of Rejection or Abandonment
Individuals with BPD often have an intense fear of abandonment. On a first date, this might manifest as excessive worry about whether you’ll see them again or insecurity about how the date is going. They may need frequent reassurance that you’re having a good time or that you’re still interested in them.
What to Look For:
• Repeatedly asking if you like them, or if you’re going to leave them.
• Seeking constant validation and reassurance.
• Being visibly anxious about minor things like checking your phone or looking away.
3. Inconsistent or Contradictory Behavior
People with BPD may switch between idealizing and devaluing others. On the first date, they might go from complimenting you to making subtle criticisms or pulling away emotionally. This “push-pull” dynamic can be confusing and emotionally exhausting.
What to Look For:
• Shifting from affection to coldness without explanation.
• Praising you one minute, then making offhand comments that seem critical.
• Suddenly becoming distant or upset over minor misunderstandings.
4. Impulsivity
One of the characteristics of BPD is impulsivity, especially in areas like spending, sexual behavior, or substance use. On a first date, this could show up as suggestions for extreme or risky activities, or sudden decisions that seem out of place for the situation.
What to Look For:
• Proposing risky or inappropriate activities (e.g., suggesting an impromptu trip, or encouraging drug or alcohol use).
• Speaking about their impulsive behaviors without concern for the consequences.
• Pressuring you to take part in impulsive decisions or activities.
5. Emotional Outbursts
Individuals with BPD can experience intense mood swings and have difficulty managing their emotions. On a first date, this may present as sudden frustration, anger, or sadness over relatively minor issues. The key here is not the presence of emotion but the disproportionate reaction to small stressors.
What to Look For:
• Overreacting to small issues (e.g., a change in plans, minor disagreements).
• Sudden emotional outbursts that feel out of proportion to the situation.
• Fluctuating emotions that leave you feeling like you’re walking on eggshells.
6. Invasion of Personal Boundaries
People with BPD may struggle with boundaries due to their fear of abandonment and desire for closeness. This could result in pushing for an emotional or physical connection too quickly. While everyone has different comfort levels with intimacy, a disregard for your boundaries on a first date can be a concerning sign.
What to Look For:
• Ignoring your preferences or boundaries, whether emotional or physical.
• Pressuring you to reveal personal information too early.
• Over-sharing intimate details about their life without reciprocation.
7. Idealization Followed by Subtle Devaluation
At the beginning of a relationship, someone with BPD may idealize you, seeing you as perfect. However, this idealization can quickly shift to devaluation if things don’t go exactly as they hope. On a first date, this may manifest as extreme admiration, but with subtle, almost unnoticeable hints of dissatisfaction.
What to Look For:
• Flattering you excessively but following up with minor critiques.
• Acting disappointed in small ways if their expectations aren’t met.
• Suddenly withdrawing affection after something doesn’t go as planned.
What to Do if You Notice These Red Flags
First dates are for learning about someone, and while these red flags might raise concerns, it doesn’t mean you should jump to conclusions or end the date abruptly. Here are some things you can do if you notice these behaviors:
1. Stay Calm: Reacting emotionally might escalate the situation. Instead, stay composed and set clear boundaries if needed.
2. Ask Questions: Gently ask about their past relationships and emotional history to get a better understanding of where they’re coming from.
3. Trust Your Instincts: If you feel uncomfortable or overwhelmed by the intensity of their behavior, trust your gut. It’s okay to decide that you’re not ready to pursue a relationship with them.
4. Give It Time: First dates don’t always show the full picture. If you’re unsure, allow the relationship to develop at a slower pace to see if these behaviors persist.
5. Be Compassionate: Everyone has struggles, and while BPD can lead to challenging behavior, individuals with BPD are capable of forming meaningful relationships with the right support and understanding.
Conclusion
Spotting red flags on a first date is about being aware of potential patterns that could lead to challenges down the line, especially when dealing with someone who may have BPD. Keep in mind that these are just signs, not definitive indicators. If you do feel like these behaviors might be harmful or too much for you to handle, it’s essential to prioritize your emotional well-being while treating the other person with respect and empathy.